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新サービスについて、考えを纏めていたとき、そうそうテキストマイニング処理をするといいよね...なんて思いついた。

早速、パワポに、「簡易テキストマイニング処理検討」って入力...。藤田さんを急に思い出した。

去年の10月に、藤田さんが亡くなって、既に1年以上が経過した。時々思い出しては、とても不思議な気がする。死んだということ、もう俺の前には現れないこと、決して会えないこと...どれも同じことなのだが、どれも理解できない。

急にいなくなって、永遠に会ったり、話しをすることが出来なくなる...それが死だという事は、一時期に集中して近親者を失った経験のある俺は、骨身に沁みてわかっている...はず。でも、何故?、どうして?といつまでも思ってしまう。

昨年は、叔母も亡くなった。この29日に法事があり、親戚が集まる。ファミリーの中心人物であった彼女が、リユニオンの場に、何事もなかったかのように登場しても、余り違和感なく、しっくりきそうだ。そこに存在しないことへの違和感に比べれば。

藤田さんが、死ぬ数ヶ月前に、彼のマンションで色々な話しをした。既に、抗がん剤の為、毛髪は抜け、凄くやせていた。でも、話しっぷりは、以前と変わらず、明るく、悲愴感の欠片も感じられなかった。彼は、PCで、彼を蝕んでいるガン細胞の画像をみせながら、俺に病状を説明した。まるで、医者が患者の症状をクールに分析するようだった。

本棚には、自らの著書が並んでおり、机の上には、レンタルDVDが無造作に置かれていた。全部、アクションヒーロー物だった。

彼は、その当時、自分の生き様を色々なメディアを通じて多くの人に伝えようと、飛び回っていた。何が、彼をそんなに駆り立てるのかは、俺には判らなかった。のた打ち回るような痛みに耐えながら、彼が作ろうとしている「最後の事業計画」なるものも、俺には今ひとつピンとこなかった。

その晩、俺は、「好きな女がいるんだったら、二人で何処か静かな場所で、過ごしてみたらどうか?」と、遠慮気味に切り出した。その問いは、スルーされ、「女は最後には、金になびきますよ」「女子アナというのは...」と、いつものヒルズ系トークを始めたのだった...。

今つらつら思う。俺は、知らず知らずのうちに、末期ガンに侵された彼は、近いうちに死ぬという想定のもとに、彼と会い、彼と話しをしていた...と。

彼は、死ぬ気なんてさらさらなかった。安らかに死を迎えることなど、考えた事もなかったのではないか。生きることだけを、懸命に追求していた...そんな風に感じる。

病には、決して負けないし、病が、自分の人生に影響したり、生活をコントロールすることは、絶対に許さない~そんな強さ、尊厳を守ろうとした意志。 どうすれば、人はそんなに強くなれるのかは、俺にとって永遠の謎だ。

そんな強い人間が、あの若さで逝ってしまったのは、もっと大きな謎だ。全く理解できない。

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