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習うより慣れろなんてことを言うが、経験は大切。

何事においても、最初は上手く行かないが、経験を積むにつれて上達するもの。

先日、マーメイドと話しをしていて、はっと気付く。子育てというのは、常に未経験で、前述のような慣れが無い。18歳の娘と15歳の息子がいるが、勿論、18歳の娘をもつのも、15歳の息子をもつのも初めて。来年になれば、夫々19歳と16歳になるが、19歳の娘をもつのも16歳の息子をもつのも初体験だ。

子供は成人するまで、体も心も激しく変化する。また、個人差異、男女差異も大きい。よって、「親」をするということは、常に未体験ゾーンに突入し続けることを意味する。

俺の場合は、もう一つハンディキャップがある。

父親は、船乗りで、遠洋漁業に出ていて家を空けることが多かったし、早く亡くなったので、一緒に住んだ期間は極めて短い。実質母子家庭に等しい。

つまり、父親が家に居なかったので、父親らしい振る舞いってどんなものだか、全くイメージが沸かないのだ。普通の家庭に育っていれば、父親の立ち居振る舞いなどを幼い頃からみているので、割と自然に父親としてやるべき事についてイメージが湧くに違いない。

俺の場合は、経験とロールモデルが共に欠如している状態。真っ暗闇の中を、灯りをもたずに歩くようだ。 自分が適切に彼と彼女に接しているかについては、全く自信がない。

父であるという俺は、元々の俺と同じでいいのか?それとも、父親としての別の人格が要求されるのか?俺は、自然と子供と接する時には父親へと変身するのか?それとも、かなりの意志・努力の力をもって、父親としてあるべき姿になるべきなのか?その場合、「父親としてあるべき姿」って何なのか?
バーベキューを仕切ったり、キャンプに行ってテントを張ったりする事なのか?

考えても、わかりゃしないので、かなり前に本件はギブアップした。

結びつき自体も、極めて特殊なんだなあ。考えてみれば、別に友達でも、上司部下でも、師匠と弟子でも、フリーメイソンの会員同士でもない。血が繋がっているだけっていう関係なのだ。

独身の時、子供が大嫌いであった俺が、自分のことでもないのに、我が子可愛さ、自然と体が動く。悩んだり、考え込んだり、落ち込んだり、喜んだり...。予想外の展開に驚く。

血に導かれるまま、その折々で、どうすべきか、何をすべきか、脳髄振り絞って考え、実行するのみ。

娘や息子にとって、そんな、ちょっと熱くてキュートな俺はどう見えているのだろう? 聞いてみたいけど、怖くて聞けない。聞くシチュエーションなどないし...ともじもじしているのだった。


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